Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
