R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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