First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
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