I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
