its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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