i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
