did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
