Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
