Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
