I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
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