yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
