I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
