if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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