I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
