I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
cat food counts as protein by the way
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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