Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
You pole danced in your parka.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
