his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
