I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
