Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
