i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
