she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Randomize