In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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