Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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