There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
