Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
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