I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
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shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
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HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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