Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
What a fucking waste of an outfit
he puts the penis in happiness.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
