I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
