i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
