chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
