I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
