So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
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