I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
