i just had sex bonerless
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Randomize
