New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
