first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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