i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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