i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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