Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
