just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
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