I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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