her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
