she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Randomize
