its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
