he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
