and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
