I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
