So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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