What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Randomize
