Jerry, you need to find god
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
