Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
