The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Randomize
