i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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