Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
