I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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