I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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