Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
