i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
