found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
