This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
