I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
