You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
