I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
