How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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