finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
