it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
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My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
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I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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