No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
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