so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
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