I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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