if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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