What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
