i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
