I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
