Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
